Well, how would you make the goddamn thing disappear?

Via TCPalm.com's weird Florida expert Will Greenlee, a cutting story of theft in Port St. Lucie late last month that's off the chain:

The accused chainsaw crook came in Treasure Coast Lawn Equipment in the 1800 block of Southwest Bayshore Boulevard and reportedly asked for $1 worth of change, according to a police report.

He picked up a Stihl chainsaw valued at more than $600 and left, riding away on a bicycle.

Surveillance video shows him calmly stuff the saw down his shorts and cover it with his shirt.

The saw does not appear to be running at the time.

Well, no. No, it's not. But still a pretty funny video, especially when the store cashier sort of figures things out at the end.

The suspect, a 28-year-old homeless man, ditched the chainsaw in the woods and successfully evaded the cops, but was later captured when he returned to retrieve his quarry—to take it back to the store, according to his account.